So many things have been happening since I last wrote.
Mom's moods have been swinging like a pendulum, from calm to outrage. She began fighting me about going to bed - hitting me, scratching me, kicking me, which left us both with bruises. I never knew when she would react this way. Each day brought a new challenge until finally I told my sister, Martha, that I didn't know how much longer I could continue. I thought perhaps this might be the time to begin looking at putting Mom in a home. But I'm stubborn. When Mom was well, we had a long talk about what would happen as she grew older and I promised her she would stay at home and I am determined to make that happen.
One day, Martha stopped in on one of her rare visits, and I was coming out of Mom's bedroom just bawling. I had spent the last hour trying to get some disposable panties on her and she absolutely refused. She was walking around without anything on her bottom. As we fought, I discovered that she left some dirty disposable panties in the toilet, so I got to go fishing - again. By the time Martha arrived, I had reached the end of my rope. I was shaking from all the fighting, so Martha just took over and got Mom's panties on her. I went outside to read for a while and Martha stayed for a while. But it was clear to me that I needed some time off.
Mom began pacing around the house, back and forth between her bedroom and the living room and kitchen, pacing in her bedroom around and around her bed. When she sat down, she couldn't keep still, always moving her hands, or feet, or something close to her. She started chasing the dog around the house, to the point that poor Gigi hid under a table or chair so Mom couldn't get to her. Mom would sleep for days, then be up all night, sometimes keeping me up until 2 a.m. or later.
Mom had a doctor's appointment on Oct. 4, and I got her up and dressed, making it clear where we were going and when we were out on the front porch, she decided she wasn't going. I got her down the ramp and opened the car door, but she was having none of it. She looked toward the sidewalk and yelled, "Help me, help me!" I called Martha who was going to meet us at the doctor's office and she came over. Mom went immediately over to Martha, but Martha even had a difficult time getting Mom in her car. When we arrived at the doctor's office, the staff recognized the change immediately. Mom didn't greet any of them and I don't think she recognized the doctor. When they weighed Mom, she had gone from 126 pounds in July to 112 pounds. I knew Mom had lost weight, but I was shocked at how much. We talked about Mom's restlessness and the doctor prescribed Xanax, hoping it would calm her down. It did the exact opposite and I learned that with Alzheimer's patients, sometimes it affects them the exact opposite of what it's supposed to do. Sure wish the doctor would have said something.
I still wasn't getting a good night's sleep, because not only was Mom staying up late, she started wandering around the house at night. And when she was up, I had to watch her every moment because she would try to go out the front door. I felt like I was watching a child, not my Mom.
I talked to our caregiver and she agreed to work some extra hours so I could get out of the house. Now she comes Friday and Sunday afternoons so I can leave and Martha and I paid her to come. Those few extra hours helped, but I still felt like I needed a break - days, not hours.
Martha and I talked about checking into the the local Hospice program and I am so glad we did. I know, too, that the Good Lord is directing us. I met with a social worker and nurse from Hospice and things began moving quickly. I qualified for a five-day respite period, where Mom could go into the Hospice Care Center and I would get some time to myself. Mom left last Monday by ambulance in a wheelchair and will come back home on Saturday afternoon.
I know she is in good hands and is well taken care of. They are trying some medication that hopefully will help with her restlessness and with sleeping.
It was so difficult to see her being wheeled into that ambulance, with a robe wrapped around her legs and Mom holding her favorite bunny. My heart ached.
Mom will have visits from her Hospice nurse twice a week and another caregiver will come twice a week to give her a shower. A Hospice social worker also will come two or three times a month.
When the Hospice nurse and I talked, she said a friend also had a mother with Alzheimer's. Her friend told her she felt she lost her mother twice, once to the disease and again when she died.
I know I lost Mom quite a while ago. And how I miss her. Right now, we'd be talking about how pretty the trees look and how we like it when the time changes back to "regular" time. I'd take her for rides so she could see all the beautiful fall colors on the hills and she would so enjoy that. Then she'd remark about not looking forward to winter. How I miss that.
And with the holidays coming, it's even more difficult to face. Mom can't make her famous cranberry jelly for Thanksgiving and can't carve the turkey for me, and can't make the pumpkin pies and whipped cream, a family tradition. Christmas was Mom's favorite time of year. She'd decorate the entire house, but the outside was left for me. We go to a local tree lot to pick out the Grand Fir and Mom always knew which one was the best. I know she won't know what the Christmas tree is for this year and won't be able to pick it out, and won't understand the Christmas decorations and dinner or gifts. Martha even remarked that she didn't know what to get Mom because she knew Mom wouldn't understand.
Oh how I miss my Mom and all the sharing we used to do.
But I have some really wonderful, fabulous memories that I will cherish. It's just the loss that I'm having a hard time with.
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