A Stranger in the House

When I was interviewed by the local agency on aging, they recommended that I accept respite care. Since I can do everything, at first I balked. But when Martha couldn't or wouldn't stay with Mom for a few hours every week and I realized I really did need a break, I finally agreed.

Jill is assigned to us and she is an angel. She and Mom warmed up to each other right away. Although Mom seems to think she stays too long (she comes to the house once a week for almost four hours), I believe that will eventually change. Mom lets Jill wash her hair and now prefers her to do it. She also let Jill do a manicure and pedicure and claims that Jill does it better than anyone.

I thank God for Jill and yet it's very difficult to have a stranger, or rather another stranger in the house, doing things for Mom that I feel like I should be doing. After all, I can do everything, right? Wrong. I get overburdened and stressed and my patience level drops quickly. So it's better if this "stranger" comes and helps Mom.

Jill and I also are getting to know each other well. She feels free to talk to me about what Mom tells her when I'm not in the house with them. They were looking at some photos the other day and Mom couldn't recognize my Grandma Dora, Mom's mother. That is the first time that I know of that she didn't recognize Grandma Dora. I cried when Jill told me that. But I made sure Jill knows that she must tell me what Mom does or says.

Mom is declining day by day, more rapidly than I expected. I notice little things that she does or doesn't do that hadn't occurred before. She can't prepare her own breakfast any longer. And I noticed that she chews her pills, so I give them to her one at a time and makes sure she swallows them. Her communication skills are very bad and getting worse and that is so frustrating for her. She knows the word, but she just can't get it out of her mouth. So we play this guessing game, with me trying to guess what she wants to say. Actually I'm getting pretty good at it.

Last night, she got up just as I was turning off my light and said there were people in her bedroom and she was frightened. I assured her that Gigi and I were the only ones in the house and she finally went back to bed, but she didn't remember anything this morning when I mentioned it. This may be the start of a wandering phase that many Alzheimer's patients go through. I hope not. She still is on Namenda and if that is slowing things down, I really would hate to see what it would be like without the drug. I wonder if it's helping at all, but there's no way to know for sure.

Martha asked if we should make another appointment with the neurologist and I said no because he can't help her. I don't think more medication is the answer and that's what he would recommend. He even admitted that he doesn't have much faith in the medications for Alzheimer's, so in reality, he can't do anything for Mom.

Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take. I know God is carrying me through this because He's the only One who could let me go through this. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, at least my world. And sometimes, I just don't want the responsibility. I want my Mom back. I want her to be my Mom again.

But I know I can't ever have her back again. God, I miss my Mom.