Taking a break

On my way to see Mom in Battle Ground yesterday, a little more than an 80-mile trip, I turned around. I just couldn't face seeing Mom.
Every time I see Mom, she seems to be worse. Her eyes are blank and she talks, but it really isn't to me. I have seen Mom for perhaps a second and then she's gone again. Those brief moments are few and far between and lately, not at all. She holds her white bunny, pets it and talks to it, and observes the world around her.
When I visit Mom, I usually go about noon so I can help her eat. I fought with that nursing home about feeding her soup and a sandwich at noon for weeks and finally they are serving her what she really likes for lunch. I didn't think it was that big of a deal to get her soup and a sandwich, but it turned into a battle that I got really tired of fighting. Another battle was getting her an Ensure to drink at lunch. And getting them to take Mom for a short walk instead of having her in a wheelchair all the time. I guess I'm tired of fighting too.
When I got home yesterday, I called a friend and she suggested I take a break. And, when I decide to go back, she suggested I do something fun such as go out to lunch or go shopping, making it more of a fun trip instead of something I feel obligated to do.
And that's the thing. I do feel obligated to see Mom. I want to make sure she is doing okay. And because I'm not her primary caregiver any longer, I feel like I still need to take care of her in some way, like Mom always took care of me.
But I am slowly realizing that I need to take care of myself too. I must find a job and a new place to live. I must take care of my kids, especially my new ones. I must organize the Walk to End Alzheimer's so it's the best walk in Western Washington. I must take care of my own health.
Mom is already gone from me. As much as I would like to think she still knows me, she really doesn't. She probably thinks that I'm just someone who shows up once in a while to visit with her. I really feel like Mom has already left me. And when the time comes for her to leave this Earth, I will feel relieved. She will be so much happier in Heaven. I will be happy knowing she is in the Arms of God.