Mom didn't know me

I finally got to take a real vacation, but after five days of not being with Mom, when I got home, Mom didn't know me.
The main event of my vacation was my college reunion and it was wonderful. Renewing friendships, talking about our pasts, planning for the future, promising to keep in touch was a part of the event. Fort Wright College is still as beautiful as I remember and the dorm, former officers' quarters when it actually was a fort, where we held the reunion was very well maintained. Floods of memories came rushing back. Even the priest, Father Sev, was there with us, delighting us with his laugh, his wise words during Sunday Mass, and the ever-present smell of his pipe tobacco. Mass was held just outside the dorm Sunday morning. As we listened to Father, birds flew by and chirped, chipmunks and squirrels played among the trees. It was perfect and I treasured every word. It touched my heart so that I cried.
So after a weekend of college reunion, I dropped a buddy off at the Spokane airport and drove south to Colfax. The day was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky, but I soon had to turn on the air conditioning. When I arrived in Colfax, it was 95 degrees. I was able to check into my motel room, and I freshened up a bit before going to a high school classmate's house where we had a mini-reunion. Lynn Zaring Knott, Nancy Hull Carroll, Elaine Morris McClintock and I gathered at Elaine's house and ate and laughed and visited for more than two hours. It was so good to see them all. Then I went to a dear friend's house, Debi Kennedy Anderson, and stayed there for more than two hours talking the whole time, and then we met more friends, Dan and Susan Hopkins, their daughter, Toni Jo, her fiance David, Dan's dad, Homer and his friend Lorraine, for supper. What a wonderful day. I feel so blessed to have all these people in my life.
On Monday morning, I went to Debi's house for breakfast and then headed west. I left Colfax about 10 a.m. and arrived home about 6 p.m. It was a pleasant, but long journey home. As I was getting things out of the car, Martha and Mom were standing on the porch with the dogs. I saw Mom talking to Martha, but I couldn't hear what she said. When I started in the house, Martha whispered to me that Mom didn't know me. That just about broke my heart. Mom was quiet during supper and continued to be quiet after Martha left. I tried to act as normal as possible, but it was very difficult.
I knew this day was coming, I just didn't know when. And when it did come, it landed on my heart like a ton of bricks.
How I hate this damned disease.
I put off writing about this because it still is very painful. I still don't know if Mom really knows who I am. I guess I shouldn't have been gone that long. It's been five days since I've been home, each day I've been trying to act as normal as possible. I feel like Mom has been trying to act normal, or at least her normal, too. That's what I think it is, an act. I honestly feel like she doesn't know me and maybe she never will.
I know I lost my Mom a long time ago and this woman I live with now is such a stranger. Although I still call her "Mom," she really isn't. She is a stranger in my Mom's body.
God is so good to me, though. I know He guides me each moment and if I listen to His Whispers, I will get through this. My continued prayer is that the Good Lord cradle Mom in His loving arms and takes her Home soon. Lord, hear my prayer.

Finally getting an income

It's still sinking in.
On Thursday, I got a call that Mom is officially accepted into the state program so that I can begin getting paid as her caregiver. I will actually have an income, something I haven't had since January 2010. I still can't believe it.
When I talked to the social worker who shared the news with me, I couldn't stop crying. I am so thankful. All I can say is, "Praise the Lord!" And I will continually praise His Holy Name.
I can't quite comprehend what this means because I haven't had money for so long. Can I get groceries without counting every penny? Yes! Can I get Mom some new towels? Yes! Can I afford to buy Mom a new blouse and some new shoes? Yes! Can I take Mom out to lunch or an early dinner without it being a burger and fries? Yes! And can we have dessert afterwards? Yes! I can now afford to do so many things, like I said, it's still sinking in.
The stress of not having an income is almost gone from my mind and body. Thank You, Lord.
I will get paid for 84 hours a month at a little more than $10 an hour. Plus I am allowed 60 miles a month to also get paid for. I must complete some classes in the next four months that the state pays for and this program also allows another caregiver to still come and give Mom a shower and wash her hair.
I cannot be more thankful. And simply saying thank you to my God doesn't seem enough. He has blessed me so much. I know I must live my life to please Him.
I initially turned in the paperwork to the state in late March I think, so it has taken this long for the state to approve us. When they first contacted me, they said it might take until spring of next year to get us into the program, so I really wasn't thinking we would be accepted much before then.
But I wasn't really worried. I have been so careful with our money, or at least as careful as I can be. I just knew in my heart that we would be OK. I knew that God is caring for us. And He is.
I love my God. Praise His Holy Name! Oh, but don't stop praying for us. We still need all the prayers we can get!

Burning Out

My counselor believes that I am close to being burned out. I think I'm closer than she knows.
Caring for Mom is so emotionally draining that it's wearing me out physically as well. Thank God I had a break the beginning of June, even if it was just one night away. The trip to Colfax was certainly not a vacation for me and when we returned, I was so worn out I could barely function. It's not that I didn't enjoy being with family and friends (OK, not the family part so much), it was the whole thing of being with Mom and having to do every little thing for her, and her not even really knowing where we were or what we were doing.
Now that the weather is nice, going outside helps, but I can't stay outside very long because I never know what Mom is doing. And it's difficult for me to go outside in the morning because I never know when Mom is getting up.
I am now looking forward to a real vacation when I go to Spokane in a couple of weeks to attend my college reunion. I will be gone five wonderful days and I won't have to pack for anyone else and I won't have to worry if anyone else is having a good time. I know I will. It's a much needed break.
Martha is going to stay with Mom and I think she is in for a really big awakening. She's getting little bits and pieces of how bad Mom really is when Martha visits. The last time Martha was here, Mom asked her a couple of times about her children. Martha kept trying to dodge Mom with talking about her students, but Mom insisted that Martha had her own children and she wanted to know how they were doing. Martha still thinks that Mom has "visions," even though I've tried to explain to her that Mom is hallucinating, now even more as she declines. But I think that's Martha's way of dealing with Mom's symptoms.
My counselor thinks it would be a good idea for me to have an overnight break at least once a month, if not more than that. When I return from Spokane, I'll talk to Martha about it. I hope she goes along with the idea, because I really need it.
I woke up one recent morning and thought, "I really don't want to do this any more." I want to care for Mom, but I'm just getting so doggone tired, and emotionally drained.
So I ask for your prayers for strength and may my God give me strength. Amen.

Good and Sad Memorial Day Trip

Mom and I used to share everything. One of the best things we shared was our annual trip to Colfax, Washington, more than 350 miles east of Longview, where I grew up on the family farm. We both got to go back home.
For weeks before our trip, we'd talk about what we'd like to see and who we'd like to see and who we'd like to avoid. A few days before we left, we would start fishing out our Eastern Washington clothes, anticipating warm, sunny weather. The night before our departure, neither one of us could sleep because of the excitement we felt. Both of us would awaken at dawn and be on the road, taking in the scenery and talking the whole way.
All of this has changed and it's really hit me hard.
When I tried to talk with Mom about the trip this year, she became upset and at one point actually cried. For a while, I didn't know if she should even go, but I was determined, because this might be the last time she's able to go.
Mom was always so good about helping me get ready and even helping carry light things to the car. Not this year. She didn't even offer to help. I don't think she knew what was going on, why I was packing her clothes and why we were leaving. She kept asking if someone was staying with Gigi and I kept reassuring her that Gigi was going with us. The only thing she did as I packed the car and suitcases was hold on tight to Gigi.
Once we were on the road, she didn't talk at all, except to say if she was hot or cold. She just looked out the window, a blank expression on her face.
When we got to Colfax, I really don't think she knew where we were. When Mom stayed in a motel, she always unpacked, putting her underwear in the dresser and hanging up her clothes in the closet. She didn't even offer to do that this time. She didn't like pawing through her suitcase to find a blouse, but she didn't want to hang anything up either. I don't think she recognized anyone we saw. We ran into a very dear friend at the cemetery, someone I have known my whole life, and Mom didn't know her. We spent time with a lot of friends and I don't think she knew any of them. We met someone at the little Farmington cemetery, and Mom didn't know where she was or why we were there. She just walked the dog among the tombstones and really didn't try to visit. We drove to the top if Steptoe Butte and we could see for miles, but Mom thought it was cold and told my friend who accompanied us that she didn't like it up there. Mom used to love going there.
Although I had such a good time seeing family (well, at least some family) and friends and I feel so blessed to have gotten to spend time with them, it was so hard on me to see Mom like this. When Martha asked her about the trip, now Mom barely remembers going, let alone the people we saw and places we went.
That's what makes me sad. During some moments of the trip, I think Mom had a good time. She will not remember any of it, but in those moments, she liked what she was doing. I must keep reminding myself of that, that right now, Mom lives in the moment.
Still makes me sad though. In the past, on the way back from Colfax, we would talk about everything we did and everyone we saw. We would share our feelings about being away from home, how good the farms look where we used to live and how much we miss them. I am not able to do that now. All that sharing is gone.
It makes me realize how much I'm losing as Mom leaves me. And that she's leaving me little by little.
When I got home, I saw where a friend's Mom had passed away, so I'm planning another trip, this time to Tillamook, for another memorial service. I just feel like God is preparing me for when Mom has to leave me.
God is so good to me and I try to remember to thank Him every day for all the blessings He's giving me.

Memorial Day Tradition

Every year, Mom and I travel to Eastern Washington, specifically Colfax, to put flowers on the family graves and visit with family and friends. It's a time I have always enjoyed being with Mom and we have shared some very special memories during our travels. I always look forward to going there because it's like going back home.
The moment we cross the Cascades, we feel better. I can't quite explain it, but the air is different, the humidity goes down, the traffic is lighter, there's more pickups on the roads with rifles mounted on the back windows and big ol' dogs riding along, tongues hanging out and tails a-waggin'. It's familiar territory for me. My heart, no matter where my body is located, will always be in the Palouse.
Besides, it's a chance to get the heck out of Dodge and see some new country.
Mom feels, or rather felt, the same way. My "old" Mom looked forward to the trips as much as I did and spent weeks getting ready - deciding what clothes to wear, what shoes to take, making sure she had all her necessities, etc. Even last year, after Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Mom knew that we were going to Colfax, and even though she believed that the road to White Pass was new, or somehow different, when we crossed the pass, she knew every town, every road and knew she was on home ground.
But not this year.
She can't quite comprehend that we're going on our annual trip. She's gotten her suitcase out several times and asks when we're leaving. And she seems upset by the trip, not really looking forward to it. I've tried to share my enthusiasm with her, but she get stressed to the point that I'm not saying anything to her now about it.
Of course Martha decided she just can't go this year even when I asked her for help months ago. She wasn't going to be much, if any, help anyway, because she demanded her own room and also demanded that we had to get back early because of her obligations as a teacher.
To get rid of some of my own stress, I decided to take two days going to Colfax and two days coming back. Not only will it be less stressful for Mom, but it will be less stressful for me - trying to get Mom up and getting her ready, driving more than 350 miles with Mom and Gigi, not to mention getting myself ready, is just too much. Taking two days, we don't have to leave here until noon or after, we don't have to check out of the motels until 11 a.m., and no long days spent driving. It'll be much better.
The most difficult thing so far is not being able to share my enthusiasm for the trip with Mom. I can't ask her what she'd like to do, such as seeing the grizzly bears at WSU or going to the hummingbird farm near Dayton or getting ice cream and some Cougar Gold cheese from Ferdinand's or going to Eddy's for Chinese or to the Top Notch for a hamburger. We would always talk about what we would like to do during our time in Colfax and share our excitement. Since I can't do that, it's like I've lost yet another part of my Mom. I know I'm losing her, but this is just another painful part I've lost to this awful disease.
I hope, once we get to Colfax, that Mom will be okay, but I don't know that for sure.
And I am thinking this might be the last time Mom will be able to go, not only mentally, but physically able.
Please pray for us to not only have a safe trip, but have a trip filled with wonderful memories.

A Sad Easter

I felt so sad this Easter.
This Holy Day is one of my favorites. I love Easter Bunnies, Easter Baskets, chocolate everything and Easter dinner with family and friends. I love hiding Easter baskets and watching as someone tries to find them. And I love hunting for my own Easter basket full of surprises. None of that happened this year.
Mom couldn't remember what Easter is. She had no idea what it meant or what we should do. All she knew was that we were possibly going to Mount St. Helens for an early dinner if the weather permitted.
Martha informed us about a week before Easter that she was invited to some friends. Just when I think things might be going well between us, she again dashes all hope by being selfish and self-centered. Did it occur to her to say no, she would rather be with her family? Nope.
So on Saturday, after Mom's hair appointment, we took a trip south to Woodland, Wash., where brightly colored tulips enhanced the blue sky of a beautiful Western Washington spring day. The flowers were all the colors of the rainbow and more. After arriving home, Martha came with an Easter basket with some chocolate candy thrown in it - at least that's what it looked like. It looked as though she thought of A basket - yes, one basket for two people - at the last minute and threw it together. As she and Mom visited, I went outside and planted part of my garden. I pulled weeds and dug it up and planted peas, pumpkin, lettuce and spinach. I was sore and ached, but it was a satisfying ache.
And on Sunday, the day dawned gray and dreary. My mood matched the weather. I could've made it more festive, but I didn't and now I feel guilty for not making it so that Mom would enjoy it more. Instead, it was a quiet day. I cooked supper and we watched some TV and then we went to bed. Not the best Easter I've had.
However, the weekend forecast looks good and my hope springs eternal that we will be able to go to Mount St. Helens and sit out on the deck of the Fireside Grill and look at the mountain that blew her top almost 31 years ago.

What a Monday

I thought my Monday was going to be a pretty peaceful day. I was wrong,
Mom stayed up late the night before, so I really wasn't too worried when she slept past 11:30 a.m. I checked on her and she said she couldn't get out of bed and that she had almost fallen getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted to go to the doctor and she said no, she'd be okay.
I didn't know what to do, so I called Jill, our caregiver. She said if she was there, she would have to call 911, and for me to hang up the phone with her and call, so I did. I asked for a silent response and one ambulance came about 10-15 minutes later. Two guys from Cowlitz 2 Fire & Rescue (because technically we live in the county), came in and took Mom's blood pressure, asked her questions, which she told them she was fine. The younger of the two said they should take her to Emergency, but he was not a paramedic, so I asked to wait for the paramedics. Four paramedics arrived a few minutes later, so now we had SIX men in Mom's bedroom -- bet that won't happen again! The head paramedic advised me to take Mom to her regular doctor, so they put Mom's socks and shoes on her, I got her robe and they helped her down the steps and into my car. I alerted the doctor's office that we were coming, I put Gigi in her crate (poor little girl didn't know what to think), changed my shirt and off we went to Castle Rock, about a half hour away. It had turned out to be a beautiful afternoon, bright, warm sunshine and high puffy white clouds. We got to the doctor's office and waited until they could fit us in. Dr. Emma examined Mom and found a very tender spot on her back on her upper right shoulder. She said that Mom's osteoporosis is causing her muscles to tighten. She said we should get some Tylenol and that Mom should get a light massage.
I had called Martha to tell her about Mom and when she got of school she called, so I had to talk to her. After Mom got her diagnosis, I called Martha again. She surprised me by suggesting she buy a baby monitor, which she said would be good when she stayed with Mom this summer. I also asked her to get the Tylenol for Mom and a package of Mom's disposable panties and she brought them to the house. She helped me put the baby monitor together and set it up. And she stayed while I went to get a hamburger. All this surprised me.
After Mom ate her "breakfast" and took the Tylenol, she got dressed and did the dishes. Then we both sat down in our chairs and fell sound asleep. I finally woke up about 10 p.m. and then woke Mom up and she got to bed about 11 p.m. I didn't get to sleep until around midnight.
In the middle of all this, Jill's boss called and told me that Jill doesn't want to come three days a week any longer, that she just wants to come on Wednesdays. I said I wouldn't accept that, so I don't know what to make of this. All I do know is that Mom needs a shower and her hair washed more than once a week.
The head paramedic guy said that we needed to get a ramp and I said we couldn't afford it, but Martha said to call a couple of people to see what they could do.
So that was my Monday. May that not happen again for a while. And thank you Lord, for carrying me through it.