I feel like my body has been run through a wringer washing machine.
Today, my sister, Martha, who turns 50 in a couple of weeks, came to stay with Mom to give me a chance to get out of the house a while. A few days ago, she and I had a conversation about taking Mom to Colfax on our annual trip across the state on Memorial Day weekend. Martha informed me that she couldn't possibly go because of all the work she had to do. I said it was going to be a huge amount of work for me to go alone with Mom this year and I could sure use some help. We decided to talk about it today when she came over here.
Actually, Mom brought the subject up. She looked at Martha and said she was determined to go on the trip and that we needed her help this year. And then Martha said she had all this work to do and after all she was recovering from major surgery (her hysterectomy in December 2010) and that she knew she would be so tired from the trip that she couldn't possibly get all her work done in the last two weeks of school.
I told her I completely understood that it wasn't a perfect time for her to go, but this could be Mom's last chance to go on the trip. I also said that it is her choice between her job and her mother.
Then she began attacking me. She said that she couldn't jeopardize her job because that was her way to pay bills and eat. She said she isn't like me who's lived with Mom and had Mom pay all my bills the last 20 years. She said she pays her own bills and takes care of her own household. I asked her to quit insulting me, but she didn't. She said she was only telling the truth. I never raised my voice, although it was a great effort not to, but I countered with the times she had asked Mom for monetary help and she said it was none of my business, it was only between she and Mom and that she had always paid Mom back. I knew that wasn't true and told her so, that Mom had talked to me about it and Martha shot back that Mom had talked to her about me too.
I was so hurt, but I kept on talking in a very even voice that I wish she would make the choice of helping Mom because it was really her choice between Mom and her job. I also said that I understood she didn't like to go to Colfax, but this time Mom and I really needed her, and that I really understood all the work she had to do. I emphasized that the motel rooms had nice desks where she could sit and work whenever she wanted to and that she could even work on the way over and back.
She still balked. I told her she didn't have a clue how hard the work is now here at home and she replied that I hadn't a clue about her job.
After a bit more of this back and forth bickering, she finally said she would go. She said to go ahead and make the reservation and I told her I already had a reservation made. But as she sat there with Mom, I called the motel in Colfax and made an additional reservation for her because she wanted her own room. And she thinks we should rent a car, and told me to look into that.
As I left for my little outing, I still felt hurt by all the things she had said. I felt like crying all the time I was gone, but I didn't cry.
When I returned, Martha immediately left, saying very little. I asked Mom if something was wrong and she said that Martha thinks I'm mean to her. I asked her how I was mean to Martha and Mom couldn't tell me, so I called Martha. She said she was going home because she had report cards and other work to do, so I gave her enough time to get home and called. She didn't answer, so I left a message saying that Mom said she was upset with me and I wanted to talk to her about why she might be upset.
That was almost two hours ago and she hasn't called me back. I'm betting she never will. I'm thinking she's at her friend's house right now talking about how mean I am and how I forced her to make a decision about going to Colfax. I guess me being her scapegoat will never change.
I couldn't have talked to Martha with a calm voice if it wasn't for God. I prayed for Him to give me the right words and He did. Now I pray for His healing power to go to Martha so that some day she may be healed of all this hurt, anger or whatever she's carrying around inside her. I seem to bring it out in her.
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