Giving thanks

Saturday I cooked one of our turkeys we received as gifts from two of my angel friends. Mom and I had good turkey dinners sent from the folks we were supposed to be with on Thanksgiving and it took us two days to eat them! So when we ran out of those, I cooked our own turkey.
And it made me sad.
On Friday, I made cranberry sauce. I had frozen cranberries the year before, so I just got them out of the freezer and made sauce. As Mom came through the kitchen, she paused to see what was on the stove. She studied them, really looked them over. I asked her if she knew what they were and she said she thought they were buttons. I said no, they were cranberries.
The smell of the roasting turkey filled the house on Saturday and made me think of Thanksgivings past. It made me think of our lives on the farm as we gathered to eat delicious rich food, starting with a shrimp cocktail in Fostoria cocktail glasses, and ending with pumpkin and mincemeat pies topped with mounds of whipped cream. We all sat at my Grandma Ida's big table with the family's china and silver, her house smelling so good it made our mouths water.
And in recent years, we invited our cousins from Lynnwood, Wash., a suburb north of Seattle. Before the big dinner day, Mom spent two days getting out the good china, washing every piece by hand and putting it back in the china cupboard until our special dinner. The white plates are ringed with gold and in the middle are some strands of wheat in gold. The whole set was brought from Japan when my uncle was there.
Mom also got out our family's silver and polished every piece by hand.
I loved making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. I made my Auntie Em's rolls, pumpkin and mincemeat pies, mashed potatoes, and usually asparagus and I was in charge of the turkey and dressing. As I made the dressing, Mom volunteered to be the official "taster," making sure I put in enough salt and sage. Mom made cranberry sauce and jelly, the gravy and she always carved the turkey. We really made a good team in the kitchen.
Last year, she made all the cranberry stuff and I did everything else. This year, she couldn't do anything and didn't even offer to. I thought she was going to offer to carve the turkey when it came out of the oven, and I would've have declined her offer, but she didn't. She just sat down at her chair and waited to be served. That is SO NOT like my Mom. This stranger in our kitchen didn't even offer to taste the dressing as I made it. Again, not like my Mom.
So last night, after Mom went to bed, I cried. I am thankful to have another Thanksgiving with Mom. But I cried for losing my Mom. I cried because I know there won't be any more cooking together in the kitchen, no more tasting the dressing before I stuff the turkey and no more carving the turkey. There won't be any more helping her put the good china away after she so painstakingly hand washed each piece. I HATE what this disease is doing to her. It's taking my Mom away from me and I hate it.
I know I should be thankful for each day I have with Mom, but sometimes this feeling just overwhelms me. I am losing my Mom, little by little and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I feel so helpless. I am used to just charging through life, fixing things. I want to fix this, but I know I can't.
Each day brings on another new challenge with Mom. Just when I think I've conquered all these negative feelings, they come roaring back like a big ol' lion.
God is so good to me and as I prayed last night and again this morning, I know He's walking right beside me and carrying me through this.
For that I am truly thankful.