Losing it

Last night was one of the worst nights I've since I've been taking care of Mom.
Usually, between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m., almost every night is my time to relax. I just like to sit with the dog on my lap and watch TV, whether there's anything worth watching or not. It's my time to just relax.
Almost every night Mom interrupts me about the time she's getting ready for bed looking for something she just can't find and is usually in plain sight. But I really don't mind, it usually only takes a minute to find what she needs.
But last night was different.
Mom walked into the living room and said she wanted to go shopping some day soon because she needed some things. I take great pains to make sure Mom doesn't need anything and so when she said this, I got upset with myself. I asked what she needed and she said she didn't know, but she needed things. I followed her into her bathroom and asked again what she needed. She faced me and rubbed her chest, like she was washing. I asked if she needed soap and she said yes. I got her two boxes of Dove from my bathroom and asked if she needed anything else. She nodded her head. Then pointed to an empty tissue box. I left her for maybe a minute to get a new tissue box and by the time I got back into her bathroom, she had opened one box of Dove and the other one was gone. I asked her where she put the other box, because I had asked her to put it in plain sight so she wouldn't forget where it was.
"Did you give me another box?" she said. I said yes and asked again where it was. "I've forgotten," she said. I started opening cupboards and drawers, looking for the soap and not finding it, I asked again and got the same reply.
That's when I lost my temper and just started yelling at her. Then I started sobbing. And I couldn't stop. The tears came in buckets and wouldn't, couldn't stop. I forget how many times I asked her for the soap and each time was the same reply. Then she asked why I was crying and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't form the words to tell her, because I didn't know myself at that point.
I finally found the soap, put it in her little basket and left her, still sobbing.
All of this over a stupid box of Dove soap.
But I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't my regular crying thing either, it was sobbing. My whole body sobbed.
I know I'm tired. It's been a month since I've had any type of break. And I know I'm so stressed about our financial situation. As bills come in I wonder how we're going to pay them all this month. I hate what this disease is doing to Mom and I want to fix it. But I can't fix it and it makes me feel so helpless. I feel like such a failure when I lose my temper, or cry, and I think that everything overwhelmed me at that moment and I had to let it all out.
I think I must have sobbed for at least a half hour. Mom came into the living room where I was sitting and held my hand and asked what was wrong. Finally I could catch my breath enough to tell her, that I hate this disease, I hate what it's doing to her, I feel like I'm not taking good care of her. She rubbed my back and said I was taking good care of her and that she's going to get worse. Then she started crying which made me feel even more guilty and made me cry harder. So we both cried for a while.
It's not that I don't thank God for every day I have with Mom. I really try to be thankful and grateful for every day He gives me. This particular time, I was simply overwhelmed. I guess I just had to let it out, whatever it is.
By the time I was actually able to talk, and wanted to call someone, everyone I know was in bed. I didn't get to sleep until almost midnight.
But today is a new day and I will try my best to take care of my Mom.