Additional burdens

When I quit my job in January to be with Mom, I had no idea what I was in for. Not only caring for Mom, but the financial worries that comes with this.

I have been trying to get a job working from home to no avail. I simply cannot leave Mom, even for an hour. The only place I go any more is to the grocery store and I hit the store running between 7:30 to 8:30 a.m. armed with a list. I fly through the store and am in the checkout line in 30 minutes and home in less than an hour. By that time, Mom is usually thinking about getting up and I am safe to unload the car and put away the groceries. If I wait any later in the day, Mom gets worried and has paced up and down the street looking for me. Or she decides to go out in the backyard with the dog just to look things over. She often says I've been gone a "long time" and asks where I was, even though I gently wake her before I leave, put the dog on the bed with her and tell her where I'm going.

I've gone online to look for work from home, but almost all of them sound like scams of some sort.

My entire savings is gone, which wasn't much, but it got me through the first six months of this year. And now Mom's savings is depleted and I don't know where to turn. That's partly why we have Mom's car for sale - not only can't we afford the insurance and maintenance on her car, but we just plain need the money. We've been trying to live on Mom's Social Security check, but that just isn't working.

I asked my sister for another loan, but she said she's had added expenses this month and may not be able to afford to help us out. She suggested Mom try to go on food stamps. Isn't that for really poor people? Oh, wait, I guess we fall into that category now! I hate the idea of going on food stamps. I was raised by two hard working parents who believed that hard work pays off and you earn your own way.

I know President Obama signed a bill recently to make sure caregivers of veterans get paid and I sure wish he would sign a bill similar to that for my type of giving care. I don't want to get involved with the state because they want all of Mom's assets and since she has her home and her farm land, I don't want the state thinking they could claim any of it. I think we live pretty tight as it is. Our only real luxury is when we go to Wendy's for hamburgers and now we can't even do that.

So I keep praying and praying and praying and I know God will take care of us. And if He's trying to teach me patience, He's doing a great job!

But we can't pay a couple of bills. And I know we'll need more groceries before Mom gets her next check in September and her meds need refilled and she needs a perm and two big insurance payments must be made. The word stress doesn't even begin to cover it.

In the meantime, all the added stress is going straight to my back. The muscles beneath my shoulders cramp and can be miserable. Ibuprofen helps. Or maybe I just need a stiff drink that will knock me out for a while. Trouble is, I don't drink, so to knock me out, it wouldn't even have to be a stiff one.

I did do something for myself today. I went to see "Eat Pray Love." I am reading the book and it's a good movie. I haven't been in a movie theatre for three years and had some gift cards so I could go to the show and even have popcorn. I've also been reading more, something besides information about Alzheimer's.

I took Mom to my sister's when I went to the movie. When I returned, Mom didn't say much. I asked if something was wrong and Mom said, "You didn't tell me you were leaving. You just left me here." That's enough to tear my heart out.