Tears today

August 11, 2010
Mom cried today. She doesn't cry often, but when she does, it breaks my heart. She began crying after she asked about a walker in the trunk of the car. I said she had never used it and I sure wish she would. It would be perfect for her to go shopping at Fred Meyer. It has a basket and a seat, so if she gets tired of walking, she could sit down. She also has a new walker that she hasn't taken out of the house yet, but the doctor insists she needs. After I explained all this to her, she cried. Ok, not just cried, she bawled. Loud. When I asked her what was wrong, she sobbed, "I'm just sad." That's when my heart broke and I had to walk away to hide my own tears.
And it was a battle to get her to wash her hair. She kept putting it off, saying she couldn't find her shampoo and she couldn't find her towel and she had to give the dog some water until finally I said, "Mom, please just wash your hair." She laughed and finally did. This is not something my "normal" Mom would do. But as one friend said, "This is your new normal."
I'm still getting used to the new normal. Perhaps I never will get used to it. Another wise friend said, "Sally, be prepared for anything." That's part of the new normal too.

And I'm dreading what tomorrow may bring. Mom has an appointment with the neurologist early tomorrow morning and I just don't want to hear what he has to say. I'm afraid. I know that I should have more faith than that, but I'm still afraid. I'm afraid that he might confirm my fears, that Mom is getting much worse and might need even more medication. What is that medication doing to her body? It doesn't seem to be slowing down the progression of the Alzheimer's. At least not much. I wish someone would tell me what to do and I would know that it was the right thing. I should just listen to God and I try but that's just difficult. I wish His voice would be louder, but it isn't. At least not to me. I will be interested to see my sister's reaction to all this since she wouldn't go to the first neurologist appointment in April. She is not acknowledging that Mom is as bad as she is. I think she's in deep denial. Which I was for quite a while, but looking back on the last five years or so, I can see that Mom was gradually showing signs of this awful disease. And I suspect that my Grandma Dora had it as well, but she was never diagnosed. I don't think any of Grandma Dora's sisters or brothers had it, but they've all passed away because of other health issues.

And so I keep praying and talking to people and reading about this disease that's stealing my Mom away from me.