Losing it

Last night was one of the worst nights I've since I've been taking care of Mom.
Usually, between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m., almost every night is my time to relax. I just like to sit with the dog on my lap and watch TV, whether there's anything worth watching or not. It's my time to just relax.
Almost every night Mom interrupts me about the time she's getting ready for bed looking for something she just can't find and is usually in plain sight. But I really don't mind, it usually only takes a minute to find what she needs.
But last night was different.
Mom walked into the living room and said she wanted to go shopping some day soon because she needed some things. I take great pains to make sure Mom doesn't need anything and so when she said this, I got upset with myself. I asked what she needed and she said she didn't know, but she needed things. I followed her into her bathroom and asked again what she needed. She faced me and rubbed her chest, like she was washing. I asked if she needed soap and she said yes. I got her two boxes of Dove from my bathroom and asked if she needed anything else. She nodded her head. Then pointed to an empty tissue box. I left her for maybe a minute to get a new tissue box and by the time I got back into her bathroom, she had opened one box of Dove and the other one was gone. I asked her where she put the other box, because I had asked her to put it in plain sight so she wouldn't forget where it was.
"Did you give me another box?" she said. I said yes and asked again where it was. "I've forgotten," she said. I started opening cupboards and drawers, looking for the soap and not finding it, I asked again and got the same reply.
That's when I lost my temper and just started yelling at her. Then I started sobbing. And I couldn't stop. The tears came in buckets and wouldn't, couldn't stop. I forget how many times I asked her for the soap and each time was the same reply. Then she asked why I was crying and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't form the words to tell her, because I didn't know myself at that point.
I finally found the soap, put it in her little basket and left her, still sobbing.
All of this over a stupid box of Dove soap.
But I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't my regular crying thing either, it was sobbing. My whole body sobbed.
I know I'm tired. It's been a month since I've had any type of break. And I know I'm so stressed about our financial situation. As bills come in I wonder how we're going to pay them all this month. I hate what this disease is doing to Mom and I want to fix it. But I can't fix it and it makes me feel so helpless. I feel like such a failure when I lose my temper, or cry, and I think that everything overwhelmed me at that moment and I had to let it all out.
I think I must have sobbed for at least a half hour. Mom came into the living room where I was sitting and held my hand and asked what was wrong. Finally I could catch my breath enough to tell her, that I hate this disease, I hate what it's doing to her, I feel like I'm not taking good care of her. She rubbed my back and said I was taking good care of her and that she's going to get worse. Then she started crying which made me feel even more guilty and made me cry harder. So we both cried for a while.
It's not that I don't thank God for every day I have with Mom. I really try to be thankful and grateful for every day He gives me. This particular time, I was simply overwhelmed. I guess I just had to let it out, whatever it is.
By the time I was actually able to talk, and wanted to call someone, everyone I know was in bed. I didn't get to sleep until almost midnight.
But today is a new day and I will try my best to take care of my Mom.

Giving thanks

Saturday I cooked one of our turkeys we received as gifts from two of my angel friends. Mom and I had good turkey dinners sent from the folks we were supposed to be with on Thanksgiving and it took us two days to eat them! So when we ran out of those, I cooked our own turkey.
And it made me sad.
On Friday, I made cranberry sauce. I had frozen cranberries the year before, so I just got them out of the freezer and made sauce. As Mom came through the kitchen, she paused to see what was on the stove. She studied them, really looked them over. I asked her if she knew what they were and she said she thought they were buttons. I said no, they were cranberries.
The smell of the roasting turkey filled the house on Saturday and made me think of Thanksgivings past. It made me think of our lives on the farm as we gathered to eat delicious rich food, starting with a shrimp cocktail in Fostoria cocktail glasses, and ending with pumpkin and mincemeat pies topped with mounds of whipped cream. We all sat at my Grandma Ida's big table with the family's china and silver, her house smelling so good it made our mouths water.
And in recent years, we invited our cousins from Lynnwood, Wash., a suburb north of Seattle. Before the big dinner day, Mom spent two days getting out the good china, washing every piece by hand and putting it back in the china cupboard until our special dinner. The white plates are ringed with gold and in the middle are some strands of wheat in gold. The whole set was brought from Japan when my uncle was there.
Mom also got out our family's silver and polished every piece by hand.
I loved making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. I made my Auntie Em's rolls, pumpkin and mincemeat pies, mashed potatoes, and usually asparagus and I was in charge of the turkey and dressing. As I made the dressing, Mom volunteered to be the official "taster," making sure I put in enough salt and sage. Mom made cranberry sauce and jelly, the gravy and she always carved the turkey. We really made a good team in the kitchen.
Last year, she made all the cranberry stuff and I did everything else. This year, she couldn't do anything and didn't even offer to. I thought she was going to offer to carve the turkey when it came out of the oven, and I would've have declined her offer, but she didn't. She just sat down at her chair and waited to be served. That is SO NOT like my Mom. This stranger in our kitchen didn't even offer to taste the dressing as I made it. Again, not like my Mom.
So last night, after Mom went to bed, I cried. I am thankful to have another Thanksgiving with Mom. But I cried for losing my Mom. I cried because I know there won't be any more cooking together in the kitchen, no more tasting the dressing before I stuff the turkey and no more carving the turkey. There won't be any more helping her put the good china away after she so painstakingly hand washed each piece. I HATE what this disease is doing to her. It's taking my Mom away from me and I hate it.
I know I should be thankful for each day I have with Mom, but sometimes this feeling just overwhelms me. I am losing my Mom, little by little and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I feel so helpless. I am used to just charging through life, fixing things. I want to fix this, but I know I can't.
Each day brings on another new challenge with Mom. Just when I think I've conquered all these negative feelings, they come roaring back like a big ol' lion.
God is so good to me and as I prayed last night and again this morning, I know He's walking right beside me and carrying me through this.
For that I am truly thankful.

A November to remember

It started snowing a while ago. First, tiny flakes barely visible as they fell, and eventually growing bigger and bigger as flakes tumble to the ground, blanketing everything in white. It's lovely to watch from inside a warm, cozy home, knowing I don't have to drive in it. And that's one advantage of taking care of Mom - I don't have to worry about commuting to work on Monday morning when the forecast calls for more snow!

I had a difficult morning yesterday. I went to the grocery store to stock up in case of snow. I always take a list, and always have a spending limit, usually with a little leeway. But yesterday there was no leeway, no cushion I could rely on. I had $50 to spend and a $50 gift card from my sister who had already given us $100. The most expensive things on my list were a package of disposable panties for Mom, Vitamin D for Mom and a small turkey or turkey breast. And I had to put some gas in the tank.
So with coupons and list in hand, I shopped. I left the turkey for last since I didn't know how much everything would cost. I ran a running estimate in my head and when I came to the turkey, I realized I couldn't get one. I had purchased everything for the stuffing a little at a time during the past month, so I was all set for stuffing. Now I just needed the bird. This very hard for me to share because I am a very proud person and very independent. As I looked at the prices of the turkeys and even just turkey breasts, I realized we couldn't afford it. Even though we're invited to friends for dinner on Thanksgiving, I usually cook a small stuffed turkey so we can have our own leftovers. But not this year. Please don't misunderstand - I am very thankful for what Mom and I have. We have meat in the freezer and we can have regular satisfying meals, unlike many people who go hungry. I am thankful for so much in my life, that I don't want to seem ungrateful for all our blessings. It's the absence of our own turkey that is hard to take. As I unpacked all the groceries at home, with the pantry well stocked and our freezer nearly full, I realized I was truly blessed to be able to purchase as much as I had. In a few days, when we get our checks from the farm, I'll get to buy a turkey and cook it then and be very grateful for it. Probably more grateful than I've ever been.

God is teaching me so much as I walk this journey. I couldn't make this journey without Him. I am being humbled and being taught what the really important things in life are, Love being the most important.

Thank You, Father.

Stuff for November

Keeping a comfortable temperature in the house has grown into a full time job. Comfortable for a woman in her mid-50s and comfortable for a woman in her early 90s is called polar opposites.
My thermostat has been turned on high for about two years. I can't stand to wear sweatshirts any more and even when the temperatures dip below freezing, I like the coolness on my skin.
Mom, however, would like the entire house to be about 85 degrees and her bathroom about 90 degrees.
So, I have to monitor the thermostat constantly because Mom, just like the small child she has become, will sneak over to it and turn it up. I won't notice until the sweat starts pouring off me and then realize she's got it up to 80 degrees. Whew!
So I turn it back down to 70 degrees and sneak back to whatever I was doing.
When Mom says she's cold, I usually tell her to get a sweater. And if she really wants to make me feel guilty, she gets her blanket and covers up to her neck and then to top it off, the dog gets in her lap and they both look at me with big ol' sorry looking eyes. Sometimes I ignore them, but usually I give in and turn up the thermostat and then put on a lighter t-shirt.
Catholic Community Services will begin to send a part-time caregiver next Wednesday. She can be here for almost 4 hours a week.
It's a little weird to think that a stranger will come into the house to take care of Mom. Not that she will have to do anything complicated, but it's just the thought. I have no expectations of this caregiver, other than she better be very nice to Mom. And she better be respectful of me and Mom and our home and how we do things here. OK, I guess I do have some expectations after all.
CCS was assigned to us by the local Area on Aging. Although CCS has been very professional, the caseworker from the aging agency I think is plain incompetent. Thank God I won't have to deal with her very often.
And I have called the attorney working on how to deal with Mom's farmland so many times I've lost count. I sent him a lot of paperwork to work through, but that was a month and a half ago. Now it's almost Thanksgiving and he still hasn't done anything. Why are attorneys like that?
And God continues to work in my life. A dear friend from Woodland, who is raising a physically challenged son with his wife and daughters reminded me of how God is working in our lives and how blessed I am to have each day that God gives me. He really put things in better perspective for me and I appreciate it so much. He is one of my many angels in my life.
So thank you God, for all your gifts.

Let go and let God

The season isn't the only thing changing around here. God is working in my life and if I just let Him, He will continue to work in my life.
The big change is my sister. She may still be in denial about Mom's condition, but she is being so generous, I just can't believe it. Perhaps this is the only way she can show her support, I don't know. All I do know is that she is changing for the better.
She announced the other day that she is paying for a new toilet for Mom's bathroom. I told her that our regular plumber said it would be at least $500 for a new toilet installed and everything and that we would just have to wait until after the holidays to have a new one put in Mom's bathroom. Mom has been having problems with her toilet for months and every time the plumber comes, it's $65 plus whatever labor and parts he needs. I think she is putting too much paper in it, so I've asked her to flush several times when she goes and that seems to be working. But the plumber said eventually we would need a new one. Just another thing to add to our Things-To-Get-Done list.
After my sister's announcement, she sent Mom and I a card with a $50 Fred Meyer gift card inside. Then I asked her for help paying for Mom's permanent today. That's usually $50. My sister came last night and just dropped some cash on the table. When I counted it today, instead of it being the $50 I asked for, it was $100. I couldn't believe my eyes.
I called Martha to thank her and she said she couldn't help much, but she could help us a little and she knew that this month was very financially challenging for us.
All I could think of was, "Wow."
Of course I thanked her and she said she didn't want me to thank her, that she knew we needed help. I just about fell off my chair.
This behavior has to be from God. He's the only One who could pull this off.
Thank You, Lord, for this miracle, and keep 'em coming!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

When I make an appointment for someone to come here, all I ask is that they be on time. Evidently that is too much to ask for some people in a state agency.
I made an appointment with a woman who was to come here at 9 a.m. a couple of weeks ago and when she hadn't shown up by 9:20 a.m., I called her only to find out that she thought I was coming to her office. I was disappointed and exasperated, but we talked and she asked me a bunch of questions to determine which programs I might be qualified for. Then on Tuesday, she called and wanted to come here to discuss those programs and I said it wasn't convenient for her to come and could we schedule another time. I again asked her to please schedule an early appointment because it would be easier to talk with Mom still in bed. So we made an appointment for Wednesday morning at 9 a.m. for her to come here.
It is such a big deal for anyone to come to the house because Mom is getting so she doesn't want any company. So I must explain to her who is coming and the purpose for their visit and hopefully she won't object too much.
So on Tuesday night, right before Mom went to bed, I told her I was going to have company and the woman would be here early.
Wednesday morning, I got up extra early, made sure the house was tidy and neat, and was ready for the woman by 8:55 a.m. Nine o'clock came and went and still no one came. At 9:10, the phone rang, waking Mom up, and it was the woman saying she was on her way. I just couldn't believe it. From her office, it usually takes between 20-25 minutes to get here, so she wouldn't have been here until at least 9:30 or later. And after the phone rang, of course Mom got up, which afforded us no opportunity to really talk.
I just got so upset at this woman. I told her I didn't need any more stress in my life and she was certainly adding to it at this point. I asked why she was late this time, and she said she had gotten a phone call. I said I couldn't talk to her any longer and hung up.
Then I got angry.
I called her supervisor, who of course didn't answer her phone, so I left a detailed message. And then I went outside to work in the garden. I just had to get out of the house.
When I came back inside, the supervisor had left me a message, making excuses for her employee and saying I had to be more flexible.
I returned her phone call and had to leave yet another message, indicating as calmly as I could, just how upset I was and that I didn't want to work with this woman.
The supervisor returned my call and began to make excuses again and I told her quite frankly I didn't want to hear them. Finally, she agreed to come out to the house herself next Monday at 8:30 a.m. to talk to me.
The thing is, I just want them to respect me and my time. I make plans every day about what I must do to take care of Mom the best way I know how. Those plans are always flexible, because I never know what the day may bring. But my time is just as precious as anyone else's and I need them to respect that. It's not like I can just drop everything and do what they want at their convenience.
I felt like they don't respect me or my time. I hope, IF they show up on Monday, that I will not need to communicate that I feel disrespect from them.
We'll see.