I so enjoy being here in Colfax. I wish I could share all these good feelings with Mom. I know she would be so happy. And often how I wish she was here with me.
I miss her so.
I've had very vivid dreams about her. And once in a while I feel her gently smoothing my hair and softly saying everything will be alright. Sometimes I can smell her. At those times I expect the phone to ring from the nursing home saying she's gone.
And then I did get a phone call from the nursing home saying her Medicaid had been discontinued because I had failed to fill out a form for the state. I had called the state guy in Kelso and explained I had moved and that everything was still the same and asked if I needed to do anything. Never heard back so I just figured everything was okay. Not. It's also incredible to me that the nursing home waited this long - her assistance ran out the end of June - to tell me.
But I have been so buried in my own financial worries that maybe I just forgot. I've been doing that a lot lately.
And it's those times that I find myself saying, "God, I wish she would just die!"
Isn't that awful?
I feel awful about thinking that and now actually writing it.
I don't wish my Mom harm at all, but I am just plain tired. I'm tired of dealing with the nursing home and the state and her Medicare and her bank account and her life insurance and the house. I am just plain tired. And I wish it would all go away.
I also had a dream about my Dad. It was vivid as well. He had white hair and he was sitting at a kitchen table in his blue bathrobe. He was smiling and I remember he said something, but I can't remember what.
In the meantime, I haven't heard from my lovely sister. Yep, she really cares about me.
Haven't heard from my lovely cousins, who actually had the nerve to say to me, "Martha didn't get anything (from the house)." Did they ask me why? Did they ask me if Martha had helped in any way? Nope. Because God knows what Martha has told them. I know she calls Mary. So she's choosing them over me. Isn't that nice?
And among all this whining, God is so good to me. He blesses me every minute of every day. How I LOVE being His child.
I am so thankful. This place is filled with all kinds of memories. As I look forward to the Palouse Empire Fair, I am filled with all kinds of memories. And the threshing bee is coming up next weekend. That will be another memory-filled experience. It touches my heart so to see that happen on Ousley land.
Just like it was exciting to me to see a big ol' combine on our land with that wheat pouring into the hopper. Wow was that something to see. Even though it wasn't our combine it was still so cool. And with that 40-foot header on it, that was just amazing.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Today is Mother's Day. And I'm as far away from Mom as I have been in a long time. In fact, I can't remember the last time I wasn't with Mom on Mother's Day.
Although I have a heavy heart, I know the woman in the nursing home wouldn't know me even if I was there. Just to satisfy my own conscious, I mailed a card from me and a card from Gigi and Lizzie. I know Mom wouldn't understand, but at least that silly sister of mine will get it.
We are in a new house and we are enjoying it very much. Although I've been here for a while, I'm still unpacking. It has lots of windows and just enough room to raise some flowers and tomatoes. I just planted nastursiums and lavender today. My strawberries are blooming and making berries and my geraniums are trying to grow back from when the deer ate them. I've put tobasco sauce out every night and so far it's kept the deer away.
I've thought about past Mother's Days when Mom would so enjoy a trip up to Mount St. Helens and we'd enjoy some really good food and a beautiful drive. We'd usually joke about not seeing any elk, although everyone says there's lots up there. I think they hid every time we'd make the trip.
I have lots of fond memories and photos of Mom looking at the mountain and with the mountain in the background. Thank God for those memories.
I also remember a lot of fighting with Martha about who would drive and who would pay for Mom's meal. Why did she want to make every holiday so damned miserable?
As I unpack things trying to make this house a home, I think about what Mom would do and how Mom would arrange things. She will be with me forever.
I love my home and I love Colfax. I thank God He directed me here. I thank God for my job which I love more every day.
I can't thank God enough for all He's done for me and continues to do every day.
I am going to walk in the Relay for Life in July and I have a college reunion in July at Fort Wright in Spokane. I even volunteered to make dinner one night. I am so looking forward to seeing friends from all over the U.S. I am trying to get involved in the Alzheimer's Walk here this fall, but I may just walk and try not to get really involved.
I still haven't been strong enough to go to Mass. I just don't want to see the inside of that church and I know that must seem silly, but that's just the way I feel.
I think I'm still losing weight. My clothes are getting so big that I'm having to give away a lot of them. I still have a long way to go. I have this chicken neck thing going on that I hate but maybe that will go away one day.
Thank you Lord for every thing. Thank You for my Mom, the one I love and remember. Thank You for all those memories.
Although I have a heavy heart, I know the woman in the nursing home wouldn't know me even if I was there. Just to satisfy my own conscious, I mailed a card from me and a card from Gigi and Lizzie. I know Mom wouldn't understand, but at least that silly sister of mine will get it.
We are in a new house and we are enjoying it very much. Although I've been here for a while, I'm still unpacking. It has lots of windows and just enough room to raise some flowers and tomatoes. I just planted nastursiums and lavender today. My strawberries are blooming and making berries and my geraniums are trying to grow back from when the deer ate them. I've put tobasco sauce out every night and so far it's kept the deer away.
I've thought about past Mother's Days when Mom would so enjoy a trip up to Mount St. Helens and we'd enjoy some really good food and a beautiful drive. We'd usually joke about not seeing any elk, although everyone says there's lots up there. I think they hid every time we'd make the trip.
I have lots of fond memories and photos of Mom looking at the mountain and with the mountain in the background. Thank God for those memories.
I also remember a lot of fighting with Martha about who would drive and who would pay for Mom's meal. Why did she want to make every holiday so damned miserable?
As I unpack things trying to make this house a home, I think about what Mom would do and how Mom would arrange things. She will be with me forever.
I love my home and I love Colfax. I thank God He directed me here. I thank God for my job which I love more every day.
I can't thank God enough for all He's done for me and continues to do every day.
I am going to walk in the Relay for Life in July and I have a college reunion in July at Fort Wright in Spokane. I even volunteered to make dinner one night. I am so looking forward to seeing friends from all over the U.S. I am trying to get involved in the Alzheimer's Walk here this fall, but I may just walk and try not to get really involved.
I still haven't been strong enough to go to Mass. I just don't want to see the inside of that church and I know that must seem silly, but that's just the way I feel.
I think I'm still losing weight. My clothes are getting so big that I'm having to give away a lot of them. I still have a long way to go. I have this chicken neck thing going on that I hate but maybe that will go away one day.
Thank you Lord for every thing. Thank You for my Mom, the one I love and remember. Thank You for all those memories.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Missing Mom today
For some reason, I'm missing Mom particularly today. Don't know why, but I keep thinking about her and just plain miss her. Maybe it's the baby.
I finally got to meet our little "Peanut" yesterday. He is the most precious little boy. Tonijo let me hold him in his little WSU Cougar blanket for quite a while, so I talked to him and looked him over very carefully. He's got the sweetest hands that made little fists and clutched at the soft blanket. He made little sounds as he slept in my arms and I kept track of every breath.
Peanut had a quite a time coming into the world. His parents, Tonijo and David, told me the whole story Saturday. Evidently, just as Peanut, whose real name is Bryson Lawrence Batterton, was being born early Friday morning, Jan. 18, Tonijo suddenly got a high fever which stressed the baby. He couldn't breathe and as he continued to have difficulty breathing, the doctors said Peanut needed to go to Spokane. So David and Peanut went to Spokane in a plane while poor Momma had to stay in Pullman to battle her fever.
Peanut was in NICU for four or five days. Tonijo insisted on leaving the Pullman hospital on Friday afternoon so she could be with Peanut. He finally got to come home last Thursday. He sees the doctor on Monday. I asked him to please never scare us like that again.
I feel so blessed being here to meet Peanut. I kept thinking about when Tonijo was born and how I have a photo of her in the incubator just hours after she was born. And here she is, some 30 years later, the mother of little Peanut.
Tonijo always has been special to us. She calls Mom Grandma Wilma and me and Martha Aunties. So naturally her child is special as well.
If Mom was herself, she would be so happy about the baby and wanting to hold him lots and lots. A big smile would be on her face and she would probably also be giving Tonijo a very hard time. As I imagine what Mom would be doing around the new baby, I think about how much I miss her.
I miss sharing everything with her, especially major life changes and stories. I can hear voice sometimes, what she would say to me in certain situations. Mom will always be with me.
I called the nursing home the other night to check on Mom. The nurse said she was sleeping a lot and asked me if that was normal. It is. She takes spells where she sleeps a lot and then goes back to a normal schedule. They took her off one of her medications to calm her down and she seems to be getting along well without it. As the nurse was telling me about Mom's long sleeping spells, I secretly prayed that she would not wake up. And that is my continued prayer.
I know Mom would love to see little Peanut. To give him her love and lots of hugs and kisses. I guess his Nana Sally will just have to give all that love and hugs and kisses for both of us.
I finally got to meet our little "Peanut" yesterday. He is the most precious little boy. Tonijo let me hold him in his little WSU Cougar blanket for quite a while, so I talked to him and looked him over very carefully. He's got the sweetest hands that made little fists and clutched at the soft blanket. He made little sounds as he slept in my arms and I kept track of every breath.
Peanut had a quite a time coming into the world. His parents, Tonijo and David, told me the whole story Saturday. Evidently, just as Peanut, whose real name is Bryson Lawrence Batterton, was being born early Friday morning, Jan. 18, Tonijo suddenly got a high fever which stressed the baby. He couldn't breathe and as he continued to have difficulty breathing, the doctors said Peanut needed to go to Spokane. So David and Peanut went to Spokane in a plane while poor Momma had to stay in Pullman to battle her fever.
Peanut was in NICU for four or five days. Tonijo insisted on leaving the Pullman hospital on Friday afternoon so she could be with Peanut. He finally got to come home last Thursday. He sees the doctor on Monday. I asked him to please never scare us like that again.
I feel so blessed being here to meet Peanut. I kept thinking about when Tonijo was born and how I have a photo of her in the incubator just hours after she was born. And here she is, some 30 years later, the mother of little Peanut.
Tonijo always has been special to us. She calls Mom Grandma Wilma and me and Martha Aunties. So naturally her child is special as well.
If Mom was herself, she would be so happy about the baby and wanting to hold him lots and lots. A big smile would be on her face and she would probably also be giving Tonijo a very hard time. As I imagine what Mom would be doing around the new baby, I think about how much I miss her.
I miss sharing everything with her, especially major life changes and stories. I can hear voice sometimes, what she would say to me in certain situations. Mom will always be with me.
I called the nursing home the other night to check on Mom. The nurse said she was sleeping a lot and asked me if that was normal. It is. She takes spells where she sleeps a lot and then goes back to a normal schedule. They took her off one of her medications to calm her down and she seems to be getting along well without it. As the nurse was telling me about Mom's long sleeping spells, I secretly prayed that she would not wake up. And that is my continued prayer.
I know Mom would love to see little Peanut. To give him her love and lots of hugs and kisses. I guess his Nana Sally will just have to give all that love and hugs and kisses for both of us.
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