The funeral

I attended my first funeral yesterday since Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and it was much more difficult than I expected.
The funeral was for a good friend's Mom who was 95 and who also had Alzheimer's. She and I worked together for several years and talked about our Moms a lot. I call her often to bend her ear about stuff going on in my life and I hope I still can although now it won't be quite the same with her Mom gone.
I knew before I decided to go that it might be hard for me because I would keep thinking of my own Mom. I was right.
The service was at a local funeral home and was very nice. A Sheriff's Chaplain talked about how wonderful my friend's Mom was, how she smiled all the time, how she devoted her life to her children and always put herself last. A lot of what the chaplain said reminded me of my own Mom. He also read stories from the family about things they would remember most about her, which I thought was a nice touch.
The family and funeral attendees gathered at a social area in the funeral home afterwards to visit and eat. I sat with a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in a long time and some other friends. On all the tables were old photos of my friend's Mom that were displayed like in an old scrapbook and I liked that idea. My Mom doesn't want any kind of service, but people always like to eat and I thought what a nice idea that might be instead of a service. Then, of course, I felt guilty for even thinking such a thing. I certainly am not ready for my Mom to die!! No way!
But reflecting on it, I think God might be getting me ready. If something does happen to Mom ( I don't want to say when), I know God will be right with me, carrying me through.
So instead of a traditional service, perhaps we can just have an informal gathering, with lots of pictures and shared memories. I think Mom might approve.
I was so disappointed in the newspaper employees where my friend and I had worked. Out of all those people, only two came to the funeral. I get people don't like funerals, but you put your own feelings aside and go for the family.
Even though it was very difficult for me to go, I went anyway. It was so worth it because when I checked my email the last thing last night, there was a note from my friend saying how much she appreciated me being with her family yesterday. That note made it all worthwhile.
As I helped Mom get ready for bed, tears came to my eyes. I hate what this disease is doing to her and I still pray for God to cradle her in His arms and carry her Heaven.
And when He does, I'll be ready.

Is time the enemy?

Yesterday, Mom got up and came into the kitchen with no pajama pants on and I don't think any underwear on. I asked her where the rest of her pajamas were and she said she didn't know. We went into the bathroom and there they were on the edge of the tub and they went straight into the washer.
Mom seemed really out of sorts yesterday and could barely communicate at all. She didn't get up until almost noon and it was 12:30 p.m. by the time she had her breakfast. And she slept almost all day, acting like she didn't have the energy to do anything.
Today Mom came out of the bathroom with just jeans and an undershirt on, without her glasses and without washing her face or brushing her teeth. We went into the bathroom and I helped her wash her face and brush her teeth. As I put toothpaste on her toothbrush, she claimed it wasn't her toothbrush, that it was someone else's. I said no, it was hers and it was okay to use it.
God, how I hate this damned disease.
I just want to ask someone, anyone, WHERE IS MY MOM? Because this woman here living with me isn't my Mom. She may look like my Mom and her voice sounds like Mom's, but she isn't my Mom any more.
And as time marches on, Mom gets more and more strange to me every day. She has a hard time communicating at all any more. Her words come out all jumbled and don't make much sense. I am having a more difficult time trying to guess what Mom is trying to say, which frustrates both of us. When Mom gets really frustrated, she pulls a little of her hair. And she's acting more and more like a child every day. When I say something is out of place or dirty or whatever, Mom will say, "I didn't do it!" I remember saying that to Mom all the time. Talk about role reversal!
I am reading yet another book about Alzheimer's entitled "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's." I think it's giving me more tools to deal with Mom's illness than anything else and by giving me these tools, I feel more empowered, more like I'm doing something instead of not being able to do anything. It's just giving me more insight about what Mom might be feeling and experiencing. I feel like I might be able to understand what Mom is going through more.
I still feel guilty about filling out the paperwork for Canterbury Gardens. I hope I never have to go there to visit Mom.
And I still pray for God cradle her in His arms to take my Mom home soon. That is my wish and prayer.

Siblings can be a real pain in the ass - Part III

I really am trying to let this whole thing with Martha go and just let God do His work, but it is so hard.
Martha still is not speaking to me although I must admit that I am not cooperating with her.
Susie, my dearest and oldest friend from LaCrosse, came for the weekend. I was so glad to see her, but who should walk in right after she arrived on Friday afternoon, but Martha.
Now unbeknownst to Martha, Susie knew what was going on. So here's Martha acting like everything's all hunkee-doree and I refuse to play her little game. I go about my business, copying a recipe that Susie had brought me (her Mom's infamous orange rolls), visiting a little with Susie, but mainly staying out of the living room where the three of them had gathered. Finally I hear Martha saying she was leaving and as I walk out of my room and start to turn the corner, here's Martha.
She asked me if I wanted her to come stay with Mom while Susie and I went to a movie on Saturday night and I said nope, didn't need her. She said she wanted to come over on Saturday, and I said she was out of luck because we had several errands we were going to do, mainly go get Mom's hair done. In a very loud voice she announced she wouldn't come and then stormed out of the house. Oh, well.
The next morning (Saturday morning), I was just about to give Susie a call when I saw a text from her saying she was having coffee with Martha.
Well, Martha had plenty to say to Susie, all of which turned out to be a real line of BS. Martha told Susie how she loved me, that she knew taking care of Mom was hard for me, admitted that she said some hateful hurtful things to me and knew she should apologize. Martha also told Susie that she believed that Mom was more in tune with "spirits" because of her disease and based her theory on that Mom saw people who weren't there when she and Mom were at the beach last spring. I just looked at Susie and said that is a progression of Alzheimer's and for Martha not to recognize that is absurd. Susie emphasized to Martha that she should apologize and not let this wound fester.
And I waited for my apology which has yet to arrive.
We all went to Martha's birthday celebration at the Rutherglen Mansion on Sunday morning and had fabulous food. I got Mom's plate which had waffles, bacon and eggs and then served myself. Martha didn't acknowledge me during the whole time, didn't thank me for her gift, nothing. And when Susie wanted to take a photo of the three of us, I flatly refused. At least the food was good. And Dick, one of Martha's friends, didn't speak to me either, so now I'm wondering what she's telling her friends.
Today, Martha came over and again didn't acknowledge me. I know she wanted to have Mom say 'Happy Birthday" to her, but Mom didn't remember it was Martha's birthday today. Martha should have reminded Mom, like I had to when it was my birthday. But she's such a little girl, that she just couldn't act like a grown-up.
Susie left early Monday morning. I cried when she left our house Sunday night. I miss her so. She made it home okay and I look forward to seeing her during Memorial Day weekend. I appreciate her trying to work things out with Martha and I, but I am not going to just forget things this time. What Martha said was too hurtful and I can't let that go.
I'm still trying to let go and let God ...

Siblings can be a real pain in the ass - Part II

I'm done.
I just got off the phone with my sister, Martha. She calls about 7 p.m. every night to talk with Mom. Since I screen all of our calls, I answered the phone this evening. I asked her if she got my two messages that I left her and she said yes. I asked her if she didn't want to talk to me and she said there was nothing to talk about and she was too stressed to talk anyway because she is doing report cards.
I replied that this isn't stressing me out at all (I was being sarcastic) and hung up the phone.
When is she going to grow up and be an adult human being? Never.
I don't care if I never talk to her again. If she comes over here to see Mom, I will go in my room and not talk with her at all. And she has her birthday coming up and at this point, I don't want to go at all. I certainly don't want to go and act like everything's OK when it's not. I'm not a very good actor that way.
I'm done trying to have a relationship with her when it's very obvious that she doesn't want one with me and resents everything about me.
And now when I try to talk to Mom about all this, she doesn't even understand who Martha is and why I'm so upset. She even said at one point that Martha wasn't really her daughter. Mom is trying to comfort me, coming to my room while I cry and rub my shoulders and hugs me. But I can't even talk to her about it.
In the past, Mom has always taken Martha's side, mainly because she's her baby. I am not perfect by any means and I know I've picked fights with Martha and done mean things to her as well. But at this time, I just can't handle any more stress and I won't put any more stress in my life.
And who pours out their heart to an Alzheimer's patient expecting sympathy? Martha evidently did. How pathetic is that?
So I'm done. I will pray for her, but as far as actually having contact with her, I'm done.

Siblings can be a real pain in the ass

I feel like my body has been run through a wringer washing machine.
Today, my sister, Martha, who turns 50 in a couple of weeks, came to stay with Mom to give me a chance to get out of the house a while. A few days ago, she and I had a conversation about taking Mom to Colfax on our annual trip across the state on Memorial Day weekend. Martha informed me that she couldn't possibly go because of all the work she had to do. I said it was going to be a huge amount of work for me to go alone with Mom this year and I could sure use some help. We decided to talk about it today when she came over here.
Actually, Mom brought the subject up. She looked at Martha and said she was determined to go on the trip and that we needed her help this year. And then Martha said she had all this work to do and after all she was recovering from major surgery (her hysterectomy in December 2010) and that she knew she would be so tired from the trip that she couldn't possibly get all her work done in the last two weeks of school.
I told her I completely understood that it wasn't a perfect time for her to go, but this could be Mom's last chance to go on the trip. I also said that it is her choice between her job and her mother.
Then she began attacking me. She said that she couldn't jeopardize her job because that was her way to pay bills and eat. She said she isn't like me who's lived with Mom and had Mom pay all my bills the last 20 years. She said she pays her own bills and takes care of her own household. I asked her to quit insulting me, but she didn't. She said she was only telling the truth. I never raised my voice, although it was a great effort not to, but I countered with the times she had asked Mom for monetary help and she said it was none of my business, it was only between she and Mom and that she had always paid Mom back. I knew that wasn't true and told her so, that Mom had talked to me about it and Martha shot back that Mom had talked to her about me too.
I was so hurt, but I kept on talking in a very even voice that I wish she would make the choice of helping Mom because it was really her choice between Mom and her job. I also said that I understood she didn't like to go to Colfax, but this time Mom and I really needed her, and that I really understood all the work she had to do. I emphasized that the motel rooms had nice desks where she could sit and work whenever she wanted to and that she could even work on the way over and back.
She still balked. I told her she didn't have a clue how hard the work is now here at home and she replied that I hadn't a clue about her job.
After a bit more of this back and forth bickering, she finally said she would go. She said to go ahead and make the reservation and I told her I already had a reservation made. But as she sat there with Mom, I called the motel in Colfax and made an additional reservation for her because she wanted her own room. And she thinks we should rent a car, and told me to look into that.
As I left for my little outing, I still felt hurt by all the things she had said. I felt like crying all the time I was gone, but I didn't cry.
When I returned, Martha immediately left, saying very little. I asked Mom if something was wrong and she said that Martha thinks I'm mean to her. I asked her how I was mean to Martha and Mom couldn't tell me, so I called Martha. She said she was going home because she had report cards and other work to do, so I gave her enough time to get home and called. She didn't answer, so I left a message saying that Mom said she was upset with me and I wanted to talk to her about why she might be upset.
That was almost two hours ago and she hasn't called me back. I'm betting she never will. I'm thinking she's at her friend's house right now talking about how mean I am and how I forced her to make a decision about going to Colfax. I guess me being her scapegoat will never change.
I couldn't have talked to Martha with a calm voice if it wasn't for God. I prayed for Him to give me the right words and He did. Now I pray for His healing power to go to Martha so that some day she may be healed of all this hurt, anger or whatever she's carrying around inside her. I seem to bring it out in her.