The summer of 2011 is fading fast and autumn is approaching. I actually had to turn on the heat yesterday and left it on all day. And it's raining. We need the rain, but the low grey clouds also are serving to match my mood.
The Ousley household is changing too. Mom, or Wilma as I call her now, is changing. Saturday she did not get out of bed at all, the second time this week. She has been sleeping a lot, most days well into the afternoon, but not getting up at all is a new thing. I talked to the caregiver about it because I was concerned about Wilma sleeping so much, that it might not be good for her, but the caregiver reassured me that if Wilma wants to sleep, at her age (91-plus), let her sleep.
I made the decision to call her Wilma because her personality is changing, not resembling my Mom in the least. And although this may sound harsh, it's a way to detach myself from her and allow my greiving to continue.
Wilma is changing in other ways too. She is more irritable. Friday was a very hard day. The caregiver got Wilma up at noon when she came and Wilma was not happy after that. I fixed her breakfast and then she was restless, she wouldn't sit still. She went outside a few times with the dog. Later, when I had dinner ready, she put on her coat and said she wanted to go home. I tried to convince her she was home, but she went out the door anyway. I followed her out and had to block her from getting off the front porch. When I finally got her in the house, I locked the screen door and she couldn't get out. She ate a little dinner and then sat in her chair and watched TV. At about 9:30 p.m., I asked if she wanted to go to bed. Again she said she wanted to go home and again I told her she was home and guided her to her bedroom. She said she wished she could kill me. As I was helping her put on her pajamas, she lost her balance and fell. It was just kind of a slow-motion topple. She landed on the soft carpet close to her bed. Thank God for the caregiving classes I took, because I didn't panic, I just followed the steps I was taught.
I asked Wilma if she was all right. I tried to lift her, but I couldn't. I scooted a rocking chair over to her so she could grab the seat and maneuver herself up. But that particular chair proved to be too high. I tried to get her on the bed, but that didn't work either. Then I remembered her small chair in her bathroom. I set it next to her and she managed to lift herself up and then slowly stand up. We got the rest of her pajamas on and she went to bed. As I was leaving her bedside, Wilma grabbed my hand and held on. She didn't say anything, just held on.
After I left her, I panicked and just started freaking out. I am surprised at how fragile and weak Wilma has become. I went over the scenario in my head a hundred times to see if I could've done anything differently. The only thing I could think of was asking if she was dizzy. Otherwise I followed all the steps exactly the way I was taught.
And the whole incident got me thinking. Does Wilma want to die? Does she think if she stays in bed long enough that she will close her eyes and go to sleep and never wake up? I know she is unhappy. And I still pray that God takes her soon. But it also made me think about living without her. My life has been pretty much devoted to Mom the last several years. What do I do when she's gone? Where will I go? What will I do?
Only my God knows and I must trust His infinite wisdom.
