I so enjoy being here in Colfax. I wish I could share all these good feelings with Mom. I know she would be so happy. And often how I wish she was here with me.
I miss her so.
I've had very vivid dreams about her. And once in a while I feel her gently smoothing my hair and softly saying everything will be alright. Sometimes I can smell her. At those times I expect the phone to ring from the nursing home saying she's gone.
And then I did get a phone call from the nursing home saying her Medicaid had been discontinued because I had failed to fill out a form for the state. I had called the state guy in Kelso and explained I had moved and that everything was still the same and asked if I needed to do anything. Never heard back so I just figured everything was okay. Not. It's also incredible to me that the nursing home waited this long - her assistance ran out the end of June - to tell me.
But I have been so buried in my own financial worries that maybe I just forgot. I've been doing that a lot lately.
And it's those times that I find myself saying, "God, I wish she would just die!"
Isn't that awful?
I feel awful about thinking that and now actually writing it.
I don't wish my Mom harm at all, but I am just plain tired. I'm tired of dealing with the nursing home and the state and her Medicare and her bank account and her life insurance and the house. I am just plain tired. And I wish it would all go away.
I also had a dream about my Dad. It was vivid as well. He had white hair and he was sitting at a kitchen table in his blue bathrobe. He was smiling and I remember he said something, but I can't remember what.
In the meantime, I haven't heard from my lovely sister. Yep, she really cares about me.
Haven't heard from my lovely cousins, who actually had the nerve to say to me, "Martha didn't get anything (from the house)." Did they ask me why? Did they ask me if Martha had helped in any way? Nope. Because God knows what Martha has told them. I know she calls Mary. So she's choosing them over me. Isn't that nice?
And among all this whining, God is so good to me. He blesses me every minute of every day. How I LOVE being His child.
I am so thankful. This place is filled with all kinds of memories. As I look forward to the Palouse Empire Fair, I am filled with all kinds of memories. And the threshing bee is coming up next weekend. That will be another memory-filled experience. It touches my heart so to see that happen on Ousley land.
Just like it was exciting to me to see a big ol' combine on our land with that wheat pouring into the hopper. Wow was that something to see. Even though it wasn't our combine it was still so cool. And with that 40-foot header on it, that was just amazing.
