Ever since Mom became a resident of the nursing home in Battle Ground, I've had a fight on my hands.
And about stupid, silly, meaningless things, but important to my Mom.
I requested Mom have Ensure, a dietary supplement added to her meals. After requesting this three or four times or maybe even more, even having the dietician making note of my requests, I still had to fight the aides and the nurse on duty about giving Mom an Ensure with her lunch and dinner. Finally, they granted my numerous requests.
Then they couldn't figure out why Mom wasn't eating a very good lunch. I requested a sandwich and soup for Mom's lunch and after numerous requests, they began giving her what she wanted and she began eating very well.
Then it was getting Mom's fingernails trimmed and cleaned. They were so awful, I just barely could bring myself to touch her hands.
Mom grew attached to a stuffed bunny that I had given her years before. She took that bunny everywhere, talked to it, petting it, letting it rest on her lap. Then one day, the bunny disappeared. The staff said they looked high and low and could not locate the bunny. My sister finally bought Mom a new one and Mom seems satisfied with it.
The next battle was about Mom getting bathed. Their normal schedule is twice a week, so I asked Hospice to come in to give Mom an additional bath. The nursing home staff stopped bathing Mom, saying Hospice took over. What a bunch of BS.
I met with three of the nursing home staff yesterday, and, through my tears, after trying to explain to them how difficult it is just coming to see Mom, how emotionally draining it is to see her now, that I was just plain tired of fighting them about stupid things. They brought in her chart and said they would fix things.
But, when lunch was served, just a few minutes later, the cook fixed Mom a full meal. Again, I requested soup and a sandwich, after the cook explained she was new and didn't know. Ya, right. If I hadn't been there, Mom wouldn't have eaten. How many times had that happened?
As I walked out of the nursing home, after helping feed Mom her lunch, I felt so defeated and discouraged. How many people in that place suffer because no one advocates for them? What would happen if I didn't see Mom.
I shudder to think. But I know my God is watching her and will keep her safe. And He will give me the courage and strength to take care of my Mom.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
True Friends
During this journey with Mom, I'm sure finding out who my friends really are.
I've had friends give me turkeys for Thanksgiving when I couldn't afford one. I've had friends text me just to see how I'm doing and if my text sounds too sad, they call me. Friends will drop whatever they're doing just to let me cry on their shoulders, at all times of the day and night. On the other hand, I've seemed to drive away some people who I thought were friends and who I am now finding aren't really.
One friend in particular just astounded me with her behavior.
I was having a very difficult time on New Year's Eve. I tried watching television, catching a favorite movie, tried crocheting on a wedding gift I'm trying to get done before April, I tried everything and just couldn't shake a lonely, sad feeling.
I called one friend and we talked for quite a while. As I got off the phone, I realized I hadn't heard from a friend at Christmas, so I decided to call her. It was only 8 p.m. on New Year's Eve, and although I usually don't call people that late, I thought since most people stay up late, it would be okay to bend the rule just once.
What a big mistake, because I felt worse after talking to this person than I did before the call.
My friend answered the phone only after the answering machine picked up my call. She said she and her family were doing things and so she couldn't talk long. She asked how I was doing and I responded that I was having sad days and sadder days. She asked if I had found a job yet and I answered no, but I thought, what does she expect? She started talking about her son, and asked if she had told me that he had been the editor of his college paper. I had not heard this story and wondered why she chose this moment to tell me. She said the paper hired him as a "man on the street," whatever that means, and her son had worked his way up to editor and had to go through several interviews to get the position. I said good for him or something to that effect, still wondering why she chose to tell me at this particular time. Someone said something to her and she cut our conversation short, leaving me feeling like a real failure because I am no longer an editor of a paper, or even a writer for that matter, and because I was looking for someone to get me out of the sad feeling I was experiencing. As I hung up, I knew I would never attempt to contact her again.
I have not known this person for very long and our relationship has been a bit shaky. As Mom became more and more ill, this friend hasn't shown any sympathy or empathy. I try not to bother my friends too much with this part of my life, but sometimes I just need to talk and I really need support if I do call on friends. Most of the people I call friends understand this, but this so-called friend obviously does not.
God is so good to me, though. A couple of days later, I was surprised by a friend in Minnesota I had not talked to in years. She said she really missed me and filled our conversation with so many compliments, I left the phone call feeling wonderful. What a blessing.
It takes a lot for me to give up on a person, to not have them in my circle of friends, but I've given up on at least one friendship and there might be more down the road. Although I'm not crazy about this time in my life, God keeps teaching me very valuable lessons. Praise the Lord!
I've had friends give me turkeys for Thanksgiving when I couldn't afford one. I've had friends text me just to see how I'm doing and if my text sounds too sad, they call me. Friends will drop whatever they're doing just to let me cry on their shoulders, at all times of the day and night. On the other hand, I've seemed to drive away some people who I thought were friends and who I am now finding aren't really.
One friend in particular just astounded me with her behavior.
I was having a very difficult time on New Year's Eve. I tried watching television, catching a favorite movie, tried crocheting on a wedding gift I'm trying to get done before April, I tried everything and just couldn't shake a lonely, sad feeling.
I called one friend and we talked for quite a while. As I got off the phone, I realized I hadn't heard from a friend at Christmas, so I decided to call her. It was only 8 p.m. on New Year's Eve, and although I usually don't call people that late, I thought since most people stay up late, it would be okay to bend the rule just once.
What a big mistake, because I felt worse after talking to this person than I did before the call.
My friend answered the phone only after the answering machine picked up my call. She said she and her family were doing things and so she couldn't talk long. She asked how I was doing and I responded that I was having sad days and sadder days. She asked if I had found a job yet and I answered no, but I thought, what does she expect? She started talking about her son, and asked if she had told me that he had been the editor of his college paper. I had not heard this story and wondered why she chose this moment to tell me. She said the paper hired him as a "man on the street," whatever that means, and her son had worked his way up to editor and had to go through several interviews to get the position. I said good for him or something to that effect, still wondering why she chose to tell me at this particular time. Someone said something to her and she cut our conversation short, leaving me feeling like a real failure because I am no longer an editor of a paper, or even a writer for that matter, and because I was looking for someone to get me out of the sad feeling I was experiencing. As I hung up, I knew I would never attempt to contact her again.
I have not known this person for very long and our relationship has been a bit shaky. As Mom became more and more ill, this friend hasn't shown any sympathy or empathy. I try not to bother my friends too much with this part of my life, but sometimes I just need to talk and I really need support if I do call on friends. Most of the people I call friends understand this, but this so-called friend obviously does not.
God is so good to me, though. A couple of days later, I was surprised by a friend in Minnesota I had not talked to in years. She said she really missed me and filled our conversation with so many compliments, I left the phone call feeling wonderful. What a blessing.
It takes a lot for me to give up on a person, to not have them in my circle of friends, but I've given up on at least one friendship and there might be more down the road. Although I'm not crazy about this time in my life, God keeps teaching me very valuable lessons. Praise the Lord!
Taking a break
On my way to see Mom in Battle Ground yesterday, a little more than an 80-mile trip, I turned around. I just couldn't face seeing Mom.
Every time I see Mom, she seems to be worse. Her eyes are blank and she talks, but it really isn't to me. I have seen Mom for perhaps a second and then she's gone again. Those brief moments are few and far between and lately, not at all. She holds her white bunny, pets it and talks to it, and observes the world around her.
When I visit Mom, I usually go about noon so I can help her eat. I fought with that nursing home about feeding her soup and a sandwich at noon for weeks and finally they are serving her what she really likes for lunch. I didn't think it was that big of a deal to get her soup and a sandwich, but it turned into a battle that I got really tired of fighting. Another battle was getting her an Ensure to drink at lunch. And getting them to take Mom for a short walk instead of having her in a wheelchair all the time. I guess I'm tired of fighting too.
When I got home yesterday, I called a friend and she suggested I take a break. And, when I decide to go back, she suggested I do something fun such as go out to lunch or go shopping, making it more of a fun trip instead of something I feel obligated to do.
And that's the thing. I do feel obligated to see Mom. I want to make sure she is doing okay. And because I'm not her primary caregiver any longer, I feel like I still need to take care of her in some way, like Mom always took care of me.
But I am slowly realizing that I need to take care of myself too. I must find a job and a new place to live. I must take care of my kids, especially my new ones. I must organize the Walk to End Alzheimer's so it's the best walk in Western Washington. I must take care of my own health.
Mom is already gone from me. As much as I would like to think she still knows me, she really doesn't. She probably thinks that I'm just someone who shows up once in a while to visit with her. I really feel like Mom has already left me. And when the time comes for her to leave this Earth, I will feel relieved. She will be so much happier in Heaven. I will be happy knowing she is in the Arms of God.
Every time I see Mom, she seems to be worse. Her eyes are blank and she talks, but it really isn't to me. I have seen Mom for perhaps a second and then she's gone again. Those brief moments are few and far between and lately, not at all. She holds her white bunny, pets it and talks to it, and observes the world around her.
When I visit Mom, I usually go about noon so I can help her eat. I fought with that nursing home about feeding her soup and a sandwich at noon for weeks and finally they are serving her what she really likes for lunch. I didn't think it was that big of a deal to get her soup and a sandwich, but it turned into a battle that I got really tired of fighting. Another battle was getting her an Ensure to drink at lunch. And getting them to take Mom for a short walk instead of having her in a wheelchair all the time. I guess I'm tired of fighting too.
When I got home yesterday, I called a friend and she suggested I take a break. And, when I decide to go back, she suggested I do something fun such as go out to lunch or go shopping, making it more of a fun trip instead of something I feel obligated to do.
And that's the thing. I do feel obligated to see Mom. I want to make sure she is doing okay. And because I'm not her primary caregiver any longer, I feel like I still need to take care of her in some way, like Mom always took care of me.
But I am slowly realizing that I need to take care of myself too. I must find a job and a new place to live. I must take care of my kids, especially my new ones. I must organize the Walk to End Alzheimer's so it's the best walk in Western Washington. I must take care of my own health.
Mom is already gone from me. As much as I would like to think she still knows me, she really doesn't. She probably thinks that I'm just someone who shows up once in a while to visit with her. I really feel like Mom has already left me. And when the time comes for her to leave this Earth, I will feel relieved. She will be so much happier in Heaven. I will be happy knowing she is in the Arms of God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)