Mom didn't know me

I finally got to take a real vacation, but after five days of not being with Mom, when I got home, Mom didn't know me.
The main event of my vacation was my college reunion and it was wonderful. Renewing friendships, talking about our pasts, planning for the future, promising to keep in touch was a part of the event. Fort Wright College is still as beautiful as I remember and the dorm, former officers' quarters when it actually was a fort, where we held the reunion was very well maintained. Floods of memories came rushing back. Even the priest, Father Sev, was there with us, delighting us with his laugh, his wise words during Sunday Mass, and the ever-present smell of his pipe tobacco. Mass was held just outside the dorm Sunday morning. As we listened to Father, birds flew by and chirped, chipmunks and squirrels played among the trees. It was perfect and I treasured every word. It touched my heart so that I cried.
So after a weekend of college reunion, I dropped a buddy off at the Spokane airport and drove south to Colfax. The day was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky, but I soon had to turn on the air conditioning. When I arrived in Colfax, it was 95 degrees. I was able to check into my motel room, and I freshened up a bit before going to a high school classmate's house where we had a mini-reunion. Lynn Zaring Knott, Nancy Hull Carroll, Elaine Morris McClintock and I gathered at Elaine's house and ate and laughed and visited for more than two hours. It was so good to see them all. Then I went to a dear friend's house, Debi Kennedy Anderson, and stayed there for more than two hours talking the whole time, and then we met more friends, Dan and Susan Hopkins, their daughter, Toni Jo, her fiance David, Dan's dad, Homer and his friend Lorraine, for supper. What a wonderful day. I feel so blessed to have all these people in my life.
On Monday morning, I went to Debi's house for breakfast and then headed west. I left Colfax about 10 a.m. and arrived home about 6 p.m. It was a pleasant, but long journey home. As I was getting things out of the car, Martha and Mom were standing on the porch with the dogs. I saw Mom talking to Martha, but I couldn't hear what she said. When I started in the house, Martha whispered to me that Mom didn't know me. That just about broke my heart. Mom was quiet during supper and continued to be quiet after Martha left. I tried to act as normal as possible, but it was very difficult.
I knew this day was coming, I just didn't know when. And when it did come, it landed on my heart like a ton of bricks.
How I hate this damned disease.
I put off writing about this because it still is very painful. I still don't know if Mom really knows who I am. I guess I shouldn't have been gone that long. It's been five days since I've been home, each day I've been trying to act as normal as possible. I feel like Mom has been trying to act normal, or at least her normal, too. That's what I think it is, an act. I honestly feel like she doesn't know me and maybe she never will.
I know I lost my Mom a long time ago and this woman I live with now is such a stranger. Although I still call her "Mom," she really isn't. She is a stranger in my Mom's body.
God is so good to me, though. I know He guides me each moment and if I listen to His Whispers, I will get through this. My continued prayer is that the Good Lord cradle Mom in His loving arms and takes her Home soon. Lord, hear my prayer.

Finally getting an income

It's still sinking in.
On Thursday, I got a call that Mom is officially accepted into the state program so that I can begin getting paid as her caregiver. I will actually have an income, something I haven't had since January 2010. I still can't believe it.
When I talked to the social worker who shared the news with me, I couldn't stop crying. I am so thankful. All I can say is, "Praise the Lord!" And I will continually praise His Holy Name.
I can't quite comprehend what this means because I haven't had money for so long. Can I get groceries without counting every penny? Yes! Can I get Mom some new towels? Yes! Can I afford to buy Mom a new blouse and some new shoes? Yes! Can I take Mom out to lunch or an early dinner without it being a burger and fries? Yes! And can we have dessert afterwards? Yes! I can now afford to do so many things, like I said, it's still sinking in.
The stress of not having an income is almost gone from my mind and body. Thank You, Lord.
I will get paid for 84 hours a month at a little more than $10 an hour. Plus I am allowed 60 miles a month to also get paid for. I must complete some classes in the next four months that the state pays for and this program also allows another caregiver to still come and give Mom a shower and wash her hair.
I cannot be more thankful. And simply saying thank you to my God doesn't seem enough. He has blessed me so much. I know I must live my life to please Him.
I initially turned in the paperwork to the state in late March I think, so it has taken this long for the state to approve us. When they first contacted me, they said it might take until spring of next year to get us into the program, so I really wasn't thinking we would be accepted much before then.
But I wasn't really worried. I have been so careful with our money, or at least as careful as I can be. I just knew in my heart that we would be OK. I knew that God is caring for us. And He is.
I love my God. Praise His Holy Name! Oh, but don't stop praying for us. We still need all the prayers we can get!

Burning Out

My counselor believes that I am close to being burned out. I think I'm closer than she knows.
Caring for Mom is so emotionally draining that it's wearing me out physically as well. Thank God I had a break the beginning of June, even if it was just one night away. The trip to Colfax was certainly not a vacation for me and when we returned, I was so worn out I could barely function. It's not that I didn't enjoy being with family and friends (OK, not the family part so much), it was the whole thing of being with Mom and having to do every little thing for her, and her not even really knowing where we were or what we were doing.
Now that the weather is nice, going outside helps, but I can't stay outside very long because I never know what Mom is doing. And it's difficult for me to go outside in the morning because I never know when Mom is getting up.
I am now looking forward to a real vacation when I go to Spokane in a couple of weeks to attend my college reunion. I will be gone five wonderful days and I won't have to pack for anyone else and I won't have to worry if anyone else is having a good time. I know I will. It's a much needed break.
Martha is going to stay with Mom and I think she is in for a really big awakening. She's getting little bits and pieces of how bad Mom really is when Martha visits. The last time Martha was here, Mom asked her a couple of times about her children. Martha kept trying to dodge Mom with talking about her students, but Mom insisted that Martha had her own children and she wanted to know how they were doing. Martha still thinks that Mom has "visions," even though I've tried to explain to her that Mom is hallucinating, now even more as she declines. But I think that's Martha's way of dealing with Mom's symptoms.
My counselor thinks it would be a good idea for me to have an overnight break at least once a month, if not more than that. When I return from Spokane, I'll talk to Martha about it. I hope she goes along with the idea, because I really need it.
I woke up one recent morning and thought, "I really don't want to do this any more." I want to care for Mom, but I'm just getting so doggone tired, and emotionally drained.
So I ask for your prayers for strength and may my God give me strength. Amen.